theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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