After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
