Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
