yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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