So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.