My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!