Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor