i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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