God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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