Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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