I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
