When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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