this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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