i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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