Too much gin, very little bucket
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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