i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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