You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
