Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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