Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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