if i can run in heels then i can drive
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
