just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
