Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
