Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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