I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We left an ass print on the piano.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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