im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
