Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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