My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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