I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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