if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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