i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
