forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize