apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
