I wish I could teleport
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
