OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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