fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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