Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i think i have two assholes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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