Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
