We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
