If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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