The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
