then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
