it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
