apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
