I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
