I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
