My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
