Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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