Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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