He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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