Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
