I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
