Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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