she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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