some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
