: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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