She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
