Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
