i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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